Head Fever

After time and reality became flexible, things started to distort my sense of self… even love was different. Still petty, still selfish but so, so different…

Many times it felt like it was a stolen time, I loved, after running so determinedly away from it. But it was something closer to a daydream than anything else… it just looked so shiny and perfect. Before, when I was with someone and they filled my head, it was always like a scent, a small cloud in my mind. With them it was never desperate… I wished for their happiness wherever they could find it, I felt their nearness in a somewhat detached way, more like a simmer of lukewarm water around me. And then he. The whole thing sneaked up on me, or so I like to say, but the truth is I saw it happening, like watching a car crash in slow motion… instigated it, even, added fuel to the fire. I had never felt so desperate, like him leaving a place, a conversation, and taking all the oxygen with him. It plagued every thought, it was like a constant behind it all, like a soundtrack, that sometimes hid in the background and sometimes came forth intensely, wreaking havoc all over the place. Deafening and unavoidable. It made me petty, I wished for him to think of me, to have the same gnawing feeling I had every waking moment. But It was not to be. The fear and the cold were warnings more than paranoia, the sleep was returning, ever so slowly, to claim everything. The edges blurred a bit, making the field of vision smaller every day, more suffocating at every second. For a few seconds it seemed something was learnt, but the fight or flee response kicked in again, and it was impossible to bear. I had to run, to hide...The thought of drifting, lost, and lonely... lonely, what an absurd concept that was. Desire seemed to have been once more the perpetrator of all madness.